Am I Selfish....

Am I Selfish ??

Being 30 brings up a lot of questions when I reflect on life. Am I working hard enough? Have I been saving the right way? Am I reaching my full potential and if not what else can I do? As a woman surrounded by accomplished women who appear to have it all together I find myself in the chaos that is my life wondering which way to turn. The biggest question comes when I think about having a family. You see I have been diagnosed with not 1 but 4 chronic disorders over the last 10 years and with those disorders came medication changes, side effects, mood swings, depression, failed relationships, instability, and at times a lack motivation to reach for anything because I feel like my body is always fighting against my attempts at happiness. This fluctuation in physical health and emotion has caused a degree that I have started and stopped despite my love for my major, a miscarriage, and a divorce, and more frustrations then I can count, but regardless one thing has remained true and that’s my desire to be a mother. This is where my guilt and dilemma meet, motherhood. After my miscarriage due to stress on my body I had to ask myself the serious question of if having a baby would be selfish. That may seem strange but it’s a question I ask myself a lot.  I have days where I cannot get out of bed because I am too weak, or my joints are swollen, days where I fall unexpectedly, throw up regularly, sleep for entire days, or can’t eat without pain or even go to the bathroom and shower without pain. With this being my reality, I must wonder if being pregnant which presents an unknown amount of issues, extra doctors’ visits, increased work for my partner and then subsequently having a baby that will mean sleepless nights in addition to my already sleepless nights, days where I am unable to carry my own weight let alone a baby’s weight, and all other aspects is worth it. Is it fair to bring a child into the world where I may not be able to run around with them, or they must witness mommies many doctors’ visits, or experience the wide range of emotions that I experience every day? I barely get through it and I am a full grown adult what impact will that have on a kid? I would love, shelter, protect, nurture, and provide for a child to the best of my ability and my amazing support system would do the same without question but is it fair to ask a group who already does so much more than they signed up for to take on one more? Am I selfish for wanting the life in my head despite the shortcomings of my reality? I want a family more than anything but the fear of my own inadequate health despite my efforts to improve it make me wonder if my desires aren’t rooted in my own selfishness. While I can’t predict the future, I know it will be hard in ways typical parenthood isn’t but part of me (quite a large part) doesn’t care and the other part of me thinks that makes me selfish on a large level because I am willing to put my desires in the forefront no matter how many people it affects. Smdh, its crazy that I envy women who get pregnant by accident and thus don’t have to contemplate the question of if to try. I envy women who have happy accidents because I work hard to make sure I don’t have an oops moment because the weight of my choice could have consequences above and beyond those I feel are fair to impart on anyone. I wish being a mother only presented to happy excitement of picking names, and paint colors for a nursery but I fear it would ruin lives because of how much help I would need. I wish I could smile about the idea but I am terrified because what if at the   end of it I get the baby I want, a child that must heal from their childhood, a partner that resents me, and a family that feels burdened by me. Or maybe just maybe the real fear is being happy and it all working out...